I’ve been a bad, bad blogger.

It’s not so much that I’ve run out of things to talk about, but more that I’ve slowly grown cautious about the things I say, where I say them and when. This new-found prudence first appeared on Twitter & Facebook, but I was also avoiding publishing to my website, pulling back from the community, and becoming increasingly more introverted, both online and off. So I asked myself when this all started, why, with my extroverted tendency to over-share, I had suddenly started to self censor. In all honesty, it was probably around the time I got laid off about a year and a half ago.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a rough year, in more ways than one. The whole experience shook me a little,  leaving me more than a little unsure of where I fit in the world. While I initially hit the ground running, writing about my unexpected liberation in a post titled Declaring My Independence, I hadn’t yet come to terms with the full extent of thoughts, feelings and experiences associated with that life changing event. I didn’t want to publicize what I was going through, and besides, I had a steady stream of interviews (both good and bad) that I was sure were going to lead me to the next chapter in my life. But the competition is fierce (and crowded) with dozens, and even hundreds of equally over-qualified candidates competing for the same handful of opportunities over and over. Send Resume, rinse, repeat.

The experience effected my life in unexpected ways, but the biggest change was at the core of who I am: instead of being actionary, I slowly became re-actionary, and then for a little while, I was somewhat inert. Meanwhile, there was a whole city flying around me that I had once taken so much pride in being an integral part, which I had somehow removed myself from, not by choice, but by inaction, by avoiding choices, by not trusting my gut, by not standing up for what I believe in, by not being heard because I had stopped participating. And again, that’s just not who I am, nor is it someone I want to be.

I’m lucky to have so many awesome people in my life to tell me not only when I’m doing great things, but also when I’m being an idiot. I pride myself on the contributions I’ve made to the communities around me, and continue to be surprised at the unexpected ways in which it pays off: the constant reminders that losing a job isn’t the end of the world, as well as the ongoing encouragement I need to look forward to what’s coming next, and knowing that whatever it is, whenever it shows up, it will be awesome. Because that’s just how I roll.

So with all of that out of my system and on the table, I hope to move forward with a renewed dedication to the community and to my life, with blog posts, status updates and (fingers crossed) a new job on the horizon!

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